Building Her Up
by Kurissyma san Tybalt
Summary: Emily attempts to profile herself after losing her memory. And what is the first thing she concludes after meeting Jennifer Jareau? - "I may be a lesbian." Emily x JJ - includes Henry and the whole BAU team except Rossi because I somehow forgot he existed for a little bit while writing this... ;)
1. Prologue: Carter

**Prologue: Carter**

Doctor Carter was about ten years on the wrong side of middle-aged, about to come off a damn long shift, and in desperate need of a cigarette. Still, his last patient of the day had given him something to smile about. She was a forty-five year old federal agent who'd just come out of surgery for a gunshot wound with amnesia.

Carter had left her for twenty minutes and by the time he returned she'd figured out enough about herself to briefly convince him that she'd regained her memory. It turned out she made a living for the FBI figuring people out without ever having to meet them. With a sense of humour that often got him into trouble, Carter found it laughably appropriate. For now, at least, that agent's past self was only as accessible to her as the psychology of a killer she'd never laid eyes on.

He tried to explain to her that her memory would very likely come back on its own within a day or two - even just a few hours if she was lucky. Yet she insisted on approaching her condition with scientific methodology and intricate attention to detail. At her request, he'd had an intern run down to the gift shop to buy her a little notebook. In it, she jotted down the observations she was making about her character. She ran through it on a regular basis to make sure she could still remember writing each dot pot, trying to ensure that the memories she made in the present were secure. He told her not to beat herself up if she forgot.

A few of the agent's friends – or, at least, her colleagues - had been by earlier, while she was still asleep. When she woke up after the surgery, he'd offered to call them back, but she was uncertain. No, that was the wrong word. The agent had been very certain – she didn't want to see anyone.

"If I'm not going to recognise them, then there's no point," she told him briskly. "If my memory comes back in a couple of days, they can visit me then. If it doesn't and I really _do_ have to start again, I want to make sure that my view of myself isn't perverted by other people's opinions."

"They've been very worried," Carter felt obliged to tell her, but as something of a solitary man himself, he was happy to tell the agent's supervisor that she wasn't up to visitors when she persisted.

He was just about to leave the floor and head home when a blonde woman in a suit jacket and skirt caught up to him.

"Sorry!" she apologised, sounding genuine. "I know you're leaving, doctor. I won't keep you long. You were treating Emily Prentiss, weren't you?"

Carter raised an eyebrow. "Yes," he replied. "I assume you're a colleague. I've already talked to your supervisor. Agent Prentiss does not wish to be disturbed."

"But she's awake?" the blonde exhaled heavily and for a second Carter thought she might collapse. He offered an arm to steady her but she shook her head, embarrassed. "No, I'm fine. Sorry. Emily's really okay?"

"She's awake," Carter confirmed, glancing at his watch. "I'm on my way out. You should go home too. Someone will give Agent Hotchner a call if anything changes."

The blonde looked uncertain. "Do you think I could just… look in on her for a minute?" she asked. "I won't disturb her if she's sleeping."

Carter was about to tell her that no, that was impossible. He liked Agent Prentiss and he appreciated her scientific dedication to decoding her personality. If she said she didn't want to see anyone, then no one was getting in that door. She had enough to deal with - even if the amnesia _was_, by all evidence, going to be a temporary ailment. You never did know with the brain. It was a delicate instrument.

Still, despite Carter's best intentions, something in those blue eyes stirred him.

"I didn't catch your name," he realised, leading her to the side of the hallway. She clearly wasn't going home without a fight, so they might as well get out of other people's way.

The blonde looked embarrassed again. "Agent Jennifer Jareau," she introduced herself, taking out her credentials. "I work with Emily. But that's inadequate. I know you don't want to let just-a-colleague in to see her if she's not well. I honestly think she'll want to see me, though, doctor. She just took a bullet for me."

Carter nodded reluctantly. "She was awake when I left her. I'll ask her if it's okay for you to have a _short_ visit." His lips straightened into a firm line. "She'll probably say no," he warned her. "Agent Prentiss suffering from amnesia. It will almost certainly pass but at the moment she's preparing for the worst. She's decided that she doesn't want to hear anything about herself from others. She wants to figure everything out herself."

Jennifer nodded and the look in her eyes was fiercely determined. Carter almost smiled but stopped himself just in time.

"How's your list going?" he asked Emily as he opened her door.

"It's growing," Emily answered, sounding conflicted.

Carter expected there had been a few times that she'd opened her book, been unable to remember writing down a certain point, and felt like the list really _was_ growing—completely organically and of its own accord. "Find out anything interesting?" he inquired.

Emily flipped through the pages and shrugged. "I don't like jelly," she told him. "And when I said so to the nurse she brought me a pudding cup, which I didn't like either. I don't think I like desserts. …I'm also bored out of my mind. I want to go home."

"Maybe you just don't like hospital desserts," Carter quipped, ignoring her statement about leaving. She was going to be here for a while no matter what happened with her memory. "Although the pudding cups aren't bad… I've been known to steal one or two off the cart myself."

"Weren't you going home?" Emily asked, narrowing her eyes a little.

Carter grinned. "Well-remembered!" he confirmed. "But I ran into one of your colleagues on the way out. Now, I've already told your supervisor to instruct them to clear off until you're ready for them, but this woman pleaded with me to ask your permission to come in—quickly. I told her you'd probably say no but I thought I should ask. She says you took that bullet protecting her, so you can add _brave_ to your list, I think."

"No, I can't," Emily answered sharply. "Because _I_ didn't figure it out. What if the person I was before was brave, but the person I am now isn't? Or maybe you or '_this woman'_, whoever she is, misinterpreted what I did as brave when really it was stupid and thoughtless or I was suicidal or God knows what. I don't even know if I believe in God. I don't want to see her."

Carter nodded understandingly but just as he turned to leave, intending to respect Emily's wishes and tell the blonde to go home, she came in herself. Throwing him an apologetic look, she took a bold step toward the bed.

"Sorry, Doctor Carter," she threw out, not really sounding it. "I'd have waited but I knew Emily would stick to her guns and tell me to leave." She turned to the patient. "Em, you hate hospitals and—despite the way you act—you hate being alone even more. That's why you bought a cat. His name's Sergio—I think that was the name of someone you knew, growing up in Rome. You never told me who." Jennifer seemed amused by Emily's look of furious forced calm, like it was exactly what she expected. "I know you don't want to hear any more so I'm going to shut up. I just want you to know that I'm someone who knows you well and I'd really appreciate it if you let me sit here for a while. Even if you're angry at me, at least I'll know you're alive and as hard-headed as ever."

"What if I say no?" Emily asked, folding her arms over her chest. Carter knew, although perhaps Jennifer didn't realise, how much the stubborn gesture would have pained her. She had only woken up from surgery four or five hours ago.

"Then your doctor will have to have me thrown out," Jennifer replied, mimicking Emily's position with ease.

For a few moments, the two women faced off against one another. Then a smile broke across Emily's face. "Stay," she acquiesced. "But if you say one more word I'll have you bodily removed."

* * *

When Carter returned the next morning, he made a point to see Agent Prentiss before any of his other patients. He felt mildly guilty about that, since her condition was stable, but he told himself it was just so he could see whether or not her memory had returned.

"How's the list?" he asked again as he poked his head around the door.

"Great," Emily replied lightly. "I think I'm a lesbian."

"Well, okay," Carter laughed, unable to conceal his surprise. "Does that observation have anything to do with the remarkably persuasive blonde you apparently took a bullet for?"

Emily winked, a cheeky smile on her face. Carter didn't think he'd seen her so happy yet—but then again, she _had_ been shot the day they met.

"I told her she could come again," Emily replied. "Only her though, not the other people I work with. Tell the nurses—no one but her."

"Did she tell you anything more about yourself?" Carter asked curiously.

Emily's smile turned sly. "Not on purpose," she answered. "We didn't speak after you left. But she told me things without words... I wonder if the me-before-I-got-shot had a crush on her. I didn't get the impression we were dating. Maybe she's straight."

"Your superhuman powers of perception couldn't pick up on that?" Carter had to tease.

Emily shook her head. "It's not a superpower," she chided him. "It's odd—I feel like I'm fundamentally a pessimist but, in this case, I find myself prone to wishful thinking."

Now Carter laughed. "Sounds like you're in love," he told her. "But I'd be careful if I were you. It may be, when you get your memory back, that things aren't the way they seem right now."

Emily accepted this with a serious expression. "Thanks for checking in on me, Doctor."

Oh, so she'd picked up on _that_ then: his almost completely unnecessary visit. Carter shook his head fondly as he left the room. He could only hope that his own suspicion—that this Jennifer Jareau had some pretty intense feelings for Emily too—was half as sound as Emily's observations.


	2. Chapter 1: Emily

**Chapter 1: Emily**

Emily's notebook began on the first line. There'd be no messing around with blank pages or fancy titles for her. Her own name was double underlined at the very top. Below that was a list of (sometimes) loosely related bullet points, which she added to whenever she could and revised several times a day.

* * *

_Emily Prentiss_  
- Analytical nature, methodical attitude to problem solving (because this is how I chose to address my amnesia)  
- Have been in hospital often (saw doc with my file, which looked thick; also he said something to imply this—forgotten what exactly)  
- Am a bit of a control freak. Probably have a very clean home, everything in its proper place. Think it would annoy me not to.  
- If I have a spouse/partner/significant other, they are probably neat too. Or it's a problem between us. (But if I was seeing someone, surely I'd have heard about that by now?)  
- The idea of picking up after someone else is abhorrent to me. I probably don't live with a slob.  
- Ideal partner: CLEAN, clever, fit(?)  
- Getting stir crazy. I probably have an active life. Do I run? I feel like running, so I must.  
- Ideal partner should also be funny. I like funny people (evidence: Doctor Carter), people who are easy to be around—honest, down-to-earth people.  
- I do not like jelly and I do not like pudding cups. Either I am a culinary snob or I dislike desserts in general.  
- I think I like pasta.  
- Actually, I remember how to cook pasta (and some other recipes, mostly Italian) in quite a lot of detail. Don't know where I learned it though.  
- Shit. Some people just passed my door speaking Greek. _I know how to speak Greek_.  
- I have an American accent but it's still possible I've travelled.  
- Have been watching world news on an iPad someone left me (employer? apparently loads of my colleagues have been here wanting to see me—nice, but I'd rather figure this out myself; next dot point should be: independent). Tally of languages I speak has grown: Italian (related to my apparent pasta prowess?), Spanish (not uncommon in the US), Arabic (?), French (?), Greek (?), and some Russian (not fluent—could scrabble together basic understanding of news stories).  
- I'm sarcastic as fuck. Probably why I get on with Doctor Carter. And most of the nurses don't like me.  
- I react with affection toward shows of loyalty (Doctor Carter fending off a unit of FBI agents on my behalf, for example—PS. Have learned that I am an FBI agent… what the hell?)  
- Holy shit. Just realised I know a lot about guns. _A lot, _a lot. I am, like, a gun expert.  
- Remember that independence thing? Got really pissed when this blonde woman (a colleague?) came in and told me all this stuff about myself (I have a cat and I was right—I did spend time in Italy).  
- …It also kind of turned me on that she defied me _and_ the doctor like that, though.  
- And she's seriously fucking hot.  
- I may be a lesbian.

* * *

Jennifer arrived just after 9am the next day. She'd been to Emily's house and filled a bag filled with fresh clothes, toiletries, books, magazines, snacks, and other assorted items. Emily lifted the book at the top of the pile curiously.

"Did you get this from my house?"

"Oh, are we speaking today?" Jennifer asked with a sly grin.

Emily smirked in return. Yes, she definitely liked this girl. "I haven't decided yet... Did you, Jennifer? Get this from my house?"

"Yes," Jennifer answered and for some reason she was blushing. "But you call me JJ, not Jennifer."

"JJ, then…" Emily acquiesced. "Do you think I like this book?"

JJ shrugged evasively. "I thought you didn't want me to tell you any more about yourself."

Emily placed the book back on top of the pile and gestured for JJ to pull a chair closer to the bed, which she did without hesitation. "I'm not trying to find out about me," she replied. "I want to know more about you—and our relationship. I want you know whether you went to my house, threw a bunch of things into a bag, and left as quickly as possible or whether you took your time, picking out things you knew I'd like—well-read books, magazines you've seen me with before... Am I a particular fan of Cheetos? Or was that just something you picked up from the vending machine in the lobby? Then the clothes: the first things you found in my closet, clothes I like to wear a lot, clothes you'd like to_ see_ me wear a lot...? All those et ceteras." She smiled, knowing she was coming across far more confidently than she felt.

JJ's confusion gave way to understanding and then amusement. She pulled the bag into her lap and tapped a hand against Emily's leg, encouraging her to shift away and make some space on the bed. Then she began to lay things out methodically, starting with the pile of books.

At the top of the pile was Slaughterhouse 5.

"Kurt Vonnegut is your favourite author," JJ explained, giving the book a sentimental tap. "And I heard you mention this one to Morgan—um, to a colleague of ours—_years_ ago. You hadn't read it in a long time and you were excited to re-read it, so I thought you might want to read it again. I didn't know who else you liked so I read the back covers of a few you had lying around and picked the ones that looked the most interesting." For a second she looked embarrassed before revealing the last book: a well-worn copy of Pride and Prejudice. "This is _my_ favourite book. And it's my copy too so watch your pudding cups, okay? Ordinarily, I don't think it's something you'd read, but while you're stuck here…" She gave a small laugh. "Well, I thought I'd bring it. The first time I read it, I was about 15 and home sick from school. I finished the whole thing in a day. And I'd _never_ done that with a book before. The next day I woke up and I was totally well again, as good as new. Since then, I've always read it whenever I got sick."

"I can tell you're a romantic," Emily chuckled. Her voice was low and teasing.

"So are you," JJ retorted. "You hide it better than I do, but I think you'd like to settle down, marry. You'd never stop working to do it, though. You're really passionate about what we do…" She bit her lip as she realised that if Emily's memory didn't come back she'd probably have to re-train for the position, or at least re-prove her competency. Would she want to, if she couldn't remember all they'd been through as a team? Or would she want a fresh start, away from the violence and despair of the job? JJ tried to push the thought from her mind for now. The doctor was confident she'd get her memory back. "We talked about kids once," she remembered.

Emily's interest was piqued by that. "You and me?" she asked. _Having children together?_

JJ nodded, misunderstanding. "You were considering adopting a girl a couple of years ago but the circumstances were wrong. She was tied up in a case of ours and she had family coming to get her."

"So we have no children?" Emily confirmed.

"We?" JJ repeated. "You don't, but I have a boy. Henry is eight. He's in the 2nd grade. His dad and I have been divorced for a few years now." She smiled anyway. "He dotes on you, Henry. He missed you like crazy when you went away."

Emily was confused and getting frustrated. She couldn't figure out her relationship with JJ. And where had she gone for JJ's boy to have missed her? How long had she been away? She swallowed hard—too many questions. She needed something lighter to talk about.

"…How about the magazines?" Emily squinted at the covers as JJ lifted them out of the bag and laid them on the bed beside her.

"Crosswords and word searches and stuff," JJ explained. "You're kind of into that sort of thing. If we get a morning flight back home after a case, sometimes you pick up the paper on the way and we do the puzzles together on the jet. You're good with words. And you're clever. You're always beating me in Scrabble."

So they travelled for work, Emily gathered. On a jet? What exactly did their job entail!? Was the doctor sure he hadn't heard wrong? Maybe she only played an FBI agent on TV. JJ was certainly pretty enough to be an actress. Maybe all that stuff Emily seemed to know about guns had been for research purposes?

She checked her notebook as JJ's comment about her being good with words struck a chord. "I know French, Russian, Spanish, Greek, Arabic _and_ Italian," she recited incredulously. "When'd I ever get the time to learn all that?"

JJ grinned at Emily's astonishment. "Pretty amazing, right?" she agreed. "Your mom travelled a lot for work. I'm pretty sure you picked most of it up from immersion. Wish it were that easy for me!"

Emily nodded, a contemplative smile forming on her face. "It's strange. I haven't even thought about family since I got here. They must be worried. Did someone tell them I'm in hospital?" Her face fell as Jennifer winced.

"Em…"

"Oh. I don't have any family, do I?" Emily was embarrassed to have asked now. "That's fine. Seriously, I don't care. It's not like I remember them—why would I be upset about losing a family I don't remember?"

JJ seemed to struggle with herself for a second before pulling her chair closer still, so that she could lay her hand over Emily's. "It's not as bad as you think," she replied, although she sounded less than convincing. "Your mom's alive, she's just not around much. You and her don't get on… Listen, _we_ are your family, Em—the team. No matter what you do or don't remember, we love you. You're not alone in this."

"_You_ love me," Emily stated quietly. "I can tell. I could tell last night, even when we were sitting in here, not saying a word. I just can't figure out how."

"How I love you?" JJ's hand tightened over Emily's. "Em, you're… amazing. You're gentle and loving and compassionate—always, no matter what toll the job exacts. You're patient but determined, you're fiercely loyal. You would die before you— Well, you almost _did_ die. Yesterday. I mean, Jesus, Emily, you took a bullet for me and you ask me how I could love you? Get a clue!"

Emily had been trying to hide a smile throughout JJ's whole speech but now she couldn't help it—she laughed. "Thanks, JJ,but that's actually not what I meant." When the giggles died away, her voice turned apologetic. "When I asked how you loved me, I didn't mean _how could you,_ I meant _in what way._ You said we were like a family—the people we work with?"

"We are," JJ replied, flushing a little. Defensiveness edged her tone.

"Well, do you see me in the same way you see all of them?"

JJ said nothing for a few moments, as if afraid of misinterpreting Emily again. "Are you asking me if I have feelings for you?" she asked. Then she reconsidered her question "…Sorry, I shouldn't use euphemisms when we're already getting confused here. What I mean is: are you asking me if I'm _in love_ with you?"

As Emily studied her face, JJ seemed to be holding her breath. "I'm sorry if we've had this conversation before…" she apologised, trying to ease the tension that had been struck between them.

"We haven't," JJ replied, too quickly. "Em, we have _never_ had this conversation before. Or anything remotely like it." She ran a hand through blonde hair, rattled. And even though Emily could only remember two days of having known her, she sensed that JJ being so visibly rattled was unusual and she felt uncomfortable with that realisation.

"I think I'm gay," she blurted out, letting JJ off the hook with her answer. "Have I ever mentioned that to you?"

Again the pale white hand stroked through fine blonde hair. "No, Em…" JJ let out a shaky sigh and then cleared her throat. "Sorry. ..._Sorry_, you've honestly never mentioned it." She looked like there was more she wanted to say but she held herself back.

Emily's brow furrowed. Could her list of observations have led her wrong? No, it couldn't be. It wasn't just something she wrote down on paper, it was something she felt, _strongly_, in her heart. Even when she'd had no idea who JJ was, seeing her had felt familiar, right. She had been happy to argue with her but just as happy to sit in silence with her. And JJ had forced her way in when everyone else had let Emily push them away.

"I haven't got a lot of tact right now," Emily admitted. "I can't remember enough about you to know what subjects I should treat sensitively. For all I know, you spend your weekend picketing soldiers' funerals and yelling about God hating fags. Maybe there's a reason I never came out to you—"

"I'm going to cut you off right there and say that you are _way, way_ off base," JJ interrupted with a bit more substance behind her voice now. "If you're gay, that's okay with me. Hell, it's more than okay with me. I hope you knew that, before you forgot everything." For a moment she looked sickly pale and she leaned her elbows onto the bag in her lap. "God... _Em!_ I don't even want to _think_ about you worrying about what I'd think about that, feeling like you couldn't tell me. I know you can't remember, but we are _so close_, Emily. You're just going to have to take my word for it. You can always tell me anything. And _that_, what you just told me then, is just so far from being an issue that it's ridiculous."

"That's a plus," Emily laughed weakly. She almost considered taking the plunge and admitting her particular attraction to JJ but, on the sizeable chance that there was more going on with her than there appeared to be, she decided against it. "What else have you got in that bag?" she asked instead.

JJ looked down, surprised. She'd been so distracted and distressed by Emily's confession that she'd forgotten what they'd been doing.

"Oh, um, right!" she yelped. "Cheetos, obviously… Um, actually, maybe not so obviously." She was still startled, waiting for her brain function to kick back in. "It's actually me who has the Cheetos obsession. It's a bit of a joke with us… When you were away we used to play online Scrabble all the time. It's complicated but nearly everyone but me had to think you were dead for a long time while we sorted some things out… You were in danger. The only way we could really keep in touch was this way, via Scrabble. I called myself Cheetobreath." She laughed uncertainly. "We played almost every day."

"Did I win?" Emily asked, trying to keep her voice light.

"Almost always," JJ admitted. Then she winked. "I'm actually pretty sure you let me win once or twice just so I'd keep playing with you."

"Mother lions pretend to be hurt when their cubs bite them to encourage them to keep trying," Emily replied.

JJ's eyes widened and for a moment she looked shocked but then she laughed again. "You've told me that before! How can you remember things like _that_ but not who I am?"

Emily ran one finger along the spine of Pride and Prejudice uncertainly. "It's going to be strange for you, if I don't remember and you have all these memories of the two of us. You keep talking about our _team_ and I don't even know what we do."

"Do you want to know?" JJ asked, sounding concerned, but Emily shook her head.

"I'm still hoping I'll wake up tomorrow morning and just remember…"

JJ squeezed Emily's hand gently. "Yet you've been taking notes. Just in case." She gave a half-hearted smile. "It's very like you."

That didn't mean much to Emily. She still had no idea whether _whoever-_she-was was worth regaining. She was saved from replying by the sharp sound of a phone ringing.

JJ leaned back, removing her hand from Emily's guiltily. "Oops…" she sighed. "This isn't even supposed to be on… Do you mind if I answer?"

Emily waved a hand to show she didn't care.

"Garcia? Yeah, I'm with her now." JJ spoke self-consciously, keeping an eye on Emily. "No, Pen. Don't come down. She doesn't want to see anyone. It'd probably be a bit much anyway, if you all swept in… Hang on, I'll ask." JJ put her hand over the speaker and turned her full attention on Emily. "It's a friend of ours. She wants me to put her on speaker. Just to say hi," she explained.

Emily kept her face impassive, although her heart rate was picking up. The monitor beside her was taking notice. "Okay," she agreed. "Just quickly."

"Just quickly," JJ promised. "Okay, Garcia. She's here."

_"Princess!"_ came Garcia's too-shrill voice. _"You scared the crap out of us! When can I come see you?!"_

"Easy, Pen! She doesn't remember anything," JJ snapped protectively. "Try not to be so overwhelming."

_"Sorry, sorry!"_ Garcia apologised. _"I guess I'm a pretty overwhelming person… I should introduce myself right?"_ There was a pause as Garcia attempted to restore some pep to her tone. _"Penelope Garcia, Oracle of All Things Knowable and Unknowable, at your service."_

"Sounds like you're just the woman I need," Emily joked.

_"You betcha, Princess! I can tell you anything you need to know!"_ Garcia chirped.

"She's trying to figure things out on her own," JJ stepped in.

_"Typical Prentiss! Loses her memory and still won't ask for help!" _

JJ laughed at that and Emily managed a weak smile.

"Why do you call me 'Princess'?" she asked.

"Morgan started it," JJ answered for their friend. "You'll meet him too,whenever you're ready."

_"He was like __**crazy**__ scared when you went down, Em,"_ Garcia volunteered. _"Like, everyone was scared, but he was out of his mind. I've been over the video footage like 600 times now. …Ahem. You got pretty hysterical there yourself, Jayj—"_

"Pen, there's no point talking about stuff she won't remember," JJ interrupted, but Garcia stood her ground.

_"Hey, she can take all the time she needs remembering,"_ she countered. _"And if she never does, we'll make new memories. But she's got to know how much we love her and miss her, okay? Hear that, Princess?"_

Emily had to clear her throat before she could make her voice come out right. "Yeah. I hear you…"

_"Whenever you're ready, you just let us know, we'll be there like the Flash, okay?"_

Emily bit her lip and gave JJ a look that meant _I'm done talking right now,_ and JJ made an excuse to hang up.

"Sorry," she said quietly, once Garcia was off the line.

JJ cleared the contents of Emily's go bag from her bed and sat down. "Don't over-think this, okay?" she warned. And then, as if too nervous to wait for a response, she quickly lay down beside Emily and slipped her arms around the injured woman's waist. "I'm sorry if this is weird because you don't remember who I am. It's just… Garcia's right, Em. I'm trying not to freak out but I've been so scared. I just need to feel you're okay for a minute."

Emily nodded, swallowing past the lump in her throat. She raised a hand, with some difficulty, and laid it on JJ's back. "JJ, I'm afraid that if I let everyone in, let them start introducing themselves… It'll be like accepting I'm not getting my memories back. This is a nightmare."

"It's barely been 24 hours," JJ answered, laying her head against Emily's uninjured shoulder. "It's still more than possible that everything is going to be okay. You'll be in hospital for a while either way, so there's not much you need to worry about—work, your place, and all of that can wait. I'm feeding Sergio."

"My cat, right?"

"Yeah."

Emily smiled. "Wish they'd let you bring the cat in here."

"Sergio's a bit of a wuss anyway," JJ replied. "I don't think he's been outside your apartment since he was a kitten. He's been missing you though… As much as cats ever miss the humans who feed them."

"God, I hope I didn't leave a mess at my place," Emily thought suddenly, causing JJ to laugh in surprise.

"You're never home long enough to make a mess. We work like 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, you know?" she joked. "Plus, it's not like you. I'm the messy one."

"But you seem so put together," Emily sighed, feeling a little disappointed, despite herself.

JJ smiled into Emily's shoulder. "You're the only one who knows I'm really not… I put on a good front. Plus, I have a kid, so my place never stays clean for long." Her voice sounded sad out of nowhere.

"Where is your son?" Emily asked, although she sensed that it wasn't that that was bothering JJ.

"Oh, he's with his dad," JJ replied easily. "Don't worry about that. And I've had some leave coming. I got it started early so I could be here without worrying about being called out of state to work."

That was too much. Emily was horrified to feel tears welling up in her eyes, and the realisation that she was going to cry only brought it on faster. Within seconds she was sobbing.

She wasn't the only one who'd lost something, she realised. All of these people she worked with—her friends, who kept begging to see her—had lost someone they loved too. _JJ_ had lost someone she obviously cared about a huge, huge deal, and now she was wasting her holidays and giving up time with her son for Emily, who felt like a shitty replacement, a phoney. And there JJ was, lying against Emily's side, trying to comfort _her,_ when this had to be her nightmare too.

"It's okay," JJ soothed her. "Emily, I swear, everything's going to be okay. I've got you. We'll get through this."

Emily sucked in breath and tried to calm down but it was useless. She clung to JJ and waited for the tears to subside.

"I love you," JJ whispered. "I'm here…"

"I love you too," Emily choked. And then she felt bad for saying it, because she knew JJ couldn't believe her. Still, she took more comfort than she was willing to say in the light kisses JJ pressed against her shoulder. "I… Um… I'll start meeting the others tomorrow," she promised quietly. "Just let me rest today."

JJ nodded and let her eyes fall closed. Rest sounded incredible right now and she was grateful that Emily wasn't asking her to leave. On the contrary, JJ smiled as Emily's hand on her back slid up into her hair and played soothingly.

"I should've expected your hair to be this soft," Emily admitted. "I could smell your shampoo the second you walked in the room."

"You've always had a thing for my hair," JJ chuckled in response, but she didn't explain and Emily didn't ask what she meant.


	3. Chapter 2: Morgan

**Chapter 2: Morgan**

"You talked to her?" Morgan confirmed as he paced outside the hospital. "Did she sound like herself?"

Garcia clutched the flowers they'd chosen together and worried her lip between her teeth. "Only on the phone. But, yeah, Morgan, she did. Now calm down! You're making me nervous… She isn't going to remember us, so we have to try to be as non-creepy as possible!"

"How am _I _creepy?" Morgan protested.

"Just _try_," Garcia moaned. Then she halted his pacing, straightened his shirt, and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. "You ready?" she asked. "It's just you and me today. We don't want to overwhelm her with all these new faces at once."

"I remember," Morgan replied. The look in his eyes was pure, first day of school '_What if she doesn't like me?'_ and if Garcia weren't so nervous herself, she would have found it adorable.

"JJ will be there," Garcia promised. "She's barely left for a minute since Em first let her in. She'll set us straight if we say something wrong."

This sobered Morgan up a bit. "It's got to be killing JJ that Emily can't remember her."

"She's trying to keep it together," was the most reassuring thing Garcia could think of in reply.

Secretly, she knew that, for all her calm exterior, JJ was not taking Emily's injury well at all. She had always been the closest to Emily, even closer than Morgan. Maybe it was being the only two women, besides herself, on the team. Maybe it was something more. Either way, JJ had to be dead on her feet right now. Garcia steeled herself for emotional upheaval.

"...Come on then. Put on your party face. We're going in."

* * *

When Morgan and Garcia entered the room, JJ was sitting on the edge of the bed, brushing out Emily's hair, while Emily herself hastily applied lip gloss. She seemed embarrassed when the door opened and she was caught in her preparations.

Morgan felt Emily's eyes run over him first, taking him in before moving on to Garcia and doing the same.

"Hey, Princess," he greeted her with as bright a smile as he could muster. "Nice place ya got here."

"It's clean," Emily replied dryly. She tucked her lip gloss away and rolled her lips together. "Derek Morgan, right?"

"Sure, but you can call me _anything you like,_" Morgan replied. He followed the innuendo up with a wink that earned him a firm elbow in the ribs from Garcia.

"Penelope?" Emily guessed.

"That's me, sugar," Garcia replied. She had the biggest smile Emily had ever seen, yet somehow looked like she was about to cry. "…Sorry about the overactive tear ducts! It's just insanely good to see your face again."

"Hey, look what I brought," Morgan announced, distracting Emily with a huge box of chocolates. He was pretty proud of himself, if truth be told. He'd already decided that if he was going to have to win her over again, he was going to do it properly right from the start.

"Oh, and I have flowers!" Garcia added—needlessly because she and Morgan had bought the biggest, brightest bunch they could find.

"Do I like chocolates?" Emily asked, eyeing the box sceptically. She'd been a little turned off sweets since her unfavourable experiences with both jelly and chocolate pudding yesterday evening.

"You _love_ these," Morgan replied, sauntering over to pass Emily the box with a grin. "Like, I'm not saying you've got to, but you'd probably agree to marry me if I withheld them."

Emily accepted the chocolates graciously, while Garcia fixed the flowers into a vase on the windowsill, chucking out some tired geraniums without much thought. The floral arrangement was so large that it blocked a considerable portion of the sunlight coming in the window and she had to move it elsewhere.

Emily turned to JJ curiously. "I thought you said Derek and Penelope were an item. Why does she let him flirt with me in front of her?"

JJ looked embarrassed as Morgan and Garcia burst into laughter. "Um, maybe I exaggerated the official nature of their relationship status," she admitted. "But don't worry, he flirts with everyone."

"Of all the things I'm worried about right now, a bit of mild flirting is not one of them," Emily replied honestly. She was enjoying the lightness of the company.

"Mild!" Morgan cried, sounding affronted.

"Mild, but hardly subtle…" Emily confirmed. "I feel like I should warn you I'm a lesbian." She monitored their reactions to that statement very carefully and found that, while Garcia looked gobsmacked, Morgan was amused yet unsurprised. "You knew," she accused him. "But JJ and Garcia were both one gulp short of swallowing their tongues. Am I really in the closet at forty-five? That's a bit sad, isn't it?"

"Afraid so, Princess," Morgan laughed. "I'm pretty sure I'm the only one on the team who knew."

"What kind of wimp am I?"

"You're careful," Morgan replied diplomatically. "You want to fit in."

"And don't I?" Emily asked. She was frowning. Maybe her team wasn't as perfect as it seemed.

"Of course you do," Garcia swept in. "We were rocky at the start, which may be why you didn't tell us right off the bat. But it's been years and _years_ now, Em. You are well and truly part of our family." She pouted cutely. "...AndI don't give a _crap_ that you like girls, so I don't know why you ever thought you couldn't tell me!"

"I don't know why either," Emily answered, feeling a little defensive_. But I must have had a reason… I hope I'm not messing something up for the Old Me by saying this._ She glanced at Morgan and got the impression he knew more than he was letting on, but he said nothing. "I want a coffee," she declared.

JJ stood up, opening her mouth to volunteer to buy a round, but Emily shook her head.

"Morgan will take me," she announced. "He can get me a wheelchair. And you two can stay here until we get back." There was no room in her voice for argument and JJ and Garcia, while confused, knew better than to start a fight with their sick friend. Morgan was looking highly amused.

"All right with me, Princess," he replied. Then he ducked out into the hall to ask a nurse for a chair.

Emily tried to avoid JJ's offended look, while JJ herself tried and failed to hide it. On a whim, Emily gave in and took JJ's hand, pulling her in to lay a light kiss on her friend's cheek. "I just need a few minutes, okay?"

"Of course," JJ replied, shaking her head as a blush threatened to creep up her cheeks. Garcia's eyes bored into the back of her head.

* * *

"So what is it you want to talk about?" Morgan asked, not wasting a second as he wheeled Emily out of her room and closed the door behind him.

"I like JJ," Emily confessed. For her it was a simple conclusion drawn from less than three days of shared company and occasional flirtations. She didn't realise how significant a realisation her feelings for JJ posed in the scheme of so many years of friendship, and she was surprised by Morgan's look of total bewilderment.

"You mean, as more than a friend," he clarified, glad Emily couldn't see his face as he wheeled her along the hall. "Wow… How'd you figure that one out?"

"You mean I didn't like her before?" Emily asked, more cautiously now. "I thought maybe I'd told you that too. Since I obviously told you I'm gay."

Morgan reached out to push the elevator button and then rested a hand on Emily's shoulder contemplatively as they waited for it to arrive. "I can't say I didn't suspect you might fancy her," he admitted. "But you wouldn't have told me in a thousand years if that was true and I didn't wanna freak you out by asking. What you feel, I figure that's your business. You definitely never said anything about it to JJ. I mean, she thought you were straight. Like everyone did."

"Was it about her?" Emily asked. "My not wanting the others to know?"

Morgan frowned, wondering how to express his concern as he wheeled her into the hospital cafeteria. "Look, Em, I know this is emotional for you… And JJ must seem like the centre of your world right now because she's the one you've spent the most time with. Maybe you're remembering feelings you already had about her but maybe this is just you trying forge a deeper connection to a person when the amnesia is making you feel like you have none."

"You think I'm just reacting strongly to the fact that she cares about me because I feel like she's all I have," Emily concluded soberly. "I guess that makes sense."

Morgan released an apologetic sigh. "Maybe I'm wrong," he hedged. "Maybe the way you feel now is how you've always felt about her. But, Em, there's got to be a reason you never told her before. It may well have been a shitty reason. I'm just saying that until you know what that reason was, you should be careful. I don't wanna see you get hurt, Princess."

Morgan pulled a chair out from a table and pushed Emily's wheelchair into the space it had filled. She smiled up at him gratefully. "Thanks, Morgan. I needed to hear that."

"No problem," Morgan replied. "Black with splenda? Your usual unadventurous fare?"

"Yes," Emily replied, surprised and happy to know that this friendly stranger knew her coffee order as well as her mind. Just as he turned to go and order for them, however, Emily stopped him.

"Morgan?" she called uncertainly.

"Yeah, Princess?"

Emily bit her lip. She wasn't sure about what she was about to say. "JJ drinks chai lattes, doesn't she?"

The bright look in the dark man's eyes told her she'd got it right.

"With soy," he answered. "You just remembered that?"

Emily had thought of it when she pulled JJ in to kiss her cheek. The movement was familiar, like she'd done it before. And with that movement, when she got close, she'd remembered a smell associated with the scene. Sweet spices…

"I guess," Emily replied with a blush.

Morgan was back at her side in an instant, hugging her tight. "You listen to me, Em," he told her, giving her a light tap on the head. "All your memories are caught up in here, waiting to come out. You'll be back to your own self in no time."

Emily tried to return Morgan's excited smile as he released her. "I hope so," she answered. _I want to be the person you all love so much._


	4. Chapter 3: Garcia

**Chapter 3: Garcia**

"So… Emily's a lesbian, huh?"

JJ groaned at the suggestive lilt that had infiltrated Garcia's voice. Morgan and Prentiss were barely out the door. "I guess so?" she replied evasively.

"You _guess_ so?!" Garcia repeated, gripping her best girlfriend's arms excitedly. "JJ, you have been in love with Emily for like _three years_. Remember? _Three years_ of 'Okay, but, Penelope, there's no way she'd ever be interested in me!' and 'There's nothing I can do if she's straight, Penelope!' Well, she's _not!_ So just what are you going to do about that? Huh?"

"Nothing!" JJ bit out. She shook Garcia off brusquely and did her best to glare at her friend. "Maybe you're right and I should've asked her out before. But I've missed my chance, Pen. It wouldn't be right to try something now. She _trusts_ me and I can't jeopardize that."

"Don't think I didn't see her kissing you goodbye," Garcia reminded her. But she forced herself to cool down a bit, sitting down beside JJ and wrapping a protective arm around her. "Jayj, she took a bullet for you. It's not like you can say she doesn't care."

"No, no, no… I don't have time to break down right now," JJ schooled herself, beginning to panic as tears filled her eyes. "Pen, Emily and Morgan could come back anytime!" She bit her lip hard and tried to distract herself, but it was useless. "…She doesn't even remember doing it, anyway. She saved my life and whenever I bring it up she gets annoyed at me. She says she doesn't want to know about what she can't remember. She wants to figure things out on her own, slowly. And I don't know if I can do that, Pen. I don't know if I can start again like we're strangers on a train when I love her so much."

"You're doing a great job, gumdrop. You really are," Garcia consoled her. "And trust me when I say that Emily _knows_ how much you care about her, whether you want her to or not." She gave a weak smile. "She's still the same person, Jayj. Our Emily's no idiot."

"I'm the idiot," JJ moaned, wiping the tears from her eyes furiously. "I should've told her how I felt before and now it's too late. We're stuck at different stages. There's no way it'll work out. Emily's known me for all of two days, and I've known her for years. I've shared a motel room with her, got drunk with her, told her a million secrets that I've never told anyone else and now even she can't remember them."

"You can do those things again," Garcia insisted. "Isn't the fact that she's alive and here all that matters? We could've been _burying_ her today."

JJ hid her face in Garcia's neck and cried until her eyes were red, irritated, and, finally, empty. When she pulled back she apologized, even though she knew Garcia would shrug it off. Then she straightened up.

"I can't let Em come back and see me like this," was all she would say. "Stay here and I'll be back when I'm presentable again."

"Great, now _you're_ leaving me too!" Garcia whined, but she patted JJ's back understandingly. "Go on," she encouraged her. "I'll hold the fort."

Morgan and Emily returned not long after, looking pretty pleased with themselves.

"Hey, sweet mama," Morgan greeted Garcia. He offered an arm to help Emily out of her wheelchair and back into bed in a proper gentlemanly fashion.

"Hiya, gorgeous," Garcia shot back distractedly. She'd noticed Emily's face fall as she realised JJ was gone but she didn't ask where she was. Garcia got the impression that she was telling herself not to expect JJ around 24/7 and chastising herself for caring. "JJ shouldn't be long," she said anyway.

Emily shrugged as if she didn't care either way. "I should rest or something."

Garcia raised an eyebrow. "Emily, you hate hospitals and you _hate_ resting, no matter how beat up you are. Don't deny it. You're still the same woman I know and love."

Emily's eyes narrowed at the presumption and Morgan stepped in.

"Maybe we should take a hint and leave, baby girl," he suggested.

"Then _you_ leave," Garcia bit back, taking the seat right near Emily's bed, which JJ usually occupied. "I'm not letting our princess wallow by herself."

"Garcia, I'd appreciate it if you did..." Emily admitted and Garcia was quiet for a few moments, torn between accepting Emily's decision and her own natural instinct to mother and protect.

"You know, you pushed us away when you first joined the team too," she remembered. "I mean, you were crazy happy and grateful to be a part of what we were doing and you showed it, but whenever we asked you something personal you made an excuse not to answer. You were happy to work with us and even have fun with us after, but it was like you thought if you showed your fears or weaknesses, we'd decide you weren't one of us after all. Like you thought you weren't good enough but you'd managed to trick us into thinking you were. You were expecting us to realise at any second what a fraud you were and then we were gonna kick you out or something… But we _never_ thought, Emily. You earned your place. You're one of us forever, whether you know it or not. You, me, JJ, Morgan, Hotch, Rossi, Reid… It is _us_ against the whole world of bad guys out there and there is _nothing_ we won't do for you. Even if that means disobeying your orders, Em. I'm not leaving."

Emily expression didn't change. If anything, it soured further. "Listen, Penelope. Those other three names you just said? Rossi, Hotch, Reid? They mean _nothing_ to me. I know you're trying to tap into some deeply buried feeling of pride or community you think I must have about being part of this 'team' but I don't feel a thing. The Emily you know and love may look like me, but right now, I'm not her. She may as well be dead, get it? _That's_ why you need to go."

"Em—"

"Stop," Emily insisted. "You can't guilt me into remembering. As far as I'm concerned, you're just someone I met this morning. Thanks for the flowers and chocolates. But I don't want to pretend anymore."

* * *

Morgan and Garcia were gone when JJ returned and Emily was faking very hard at being asleep. JJ had taken the time to reapply her make up and grab a coffee before coming back, trusting that Emily would be in good hands with their friends. She was more than a little peeved to find them gone.

"Chai latte, right?" Emily sighed without opening her eyes. She knew that JJ was sitting right in front of her. "I remembered that. It's the only damn thing I _can_ remember. I kissed your cheek once and you smelled sweet and spicy like a chai latte."

"Right now I probably smell like disinfectant and bleach," JJ answered as she glanced around the hospital room. "Really alluring, I'm sure. …But I'm glad you remembered."

"JJ, you're plenty alluring." Emily's voice was sad and dismissive and JJ didn't understand.

"You think so?" she asked uncertainly.

"Of course…" Emily opened her eyes and looked up at the woman before her, meeting curious eyes. "But Morgan's right. I can't trust the way I feel right now. Too much is going on."

"Hold on a second, what _exactly_ did Morgan say?" JJ asked, trying to calm her beating heart. Out of nowhere, her pulse was hammering so hard, she was sure it was on the brink of being audible.

"It doesn't matter."

"Emily, what's wrong?" JJ's voice was desperately concerned. "Did someone say something to you? Morgan or Garcia?"

Emily let out an angry sigh. "Why would it be _anything_ about them, Jayj?" she snapped. The familiar nickname rolled off her tongue without her noticing it. "They're strangers to me! Everyone is a _fucking_ stranger to me. I wouldn't recognise my own mother if she walked in the door right now!"

"Look at me, Em," JJ begged. "Sit up and look at me."

"I can't. I'm in pain. I was _shot_, for fuck's sake."

"Don't give me that. Sit up!" JJ's voice was firm and Emily complied, albeit grudgingly. JJ helped her shift the pillows behind her to a more comfortable position, then she sat on the edge of her bed and held Emily's hand tight. "Look me in the eye and tell me who I am."

"You're Jennifer Jareau. JJ," Emily replied sharply. "And I may as well have laid eyes on you for the first time two nights ago."

"Weak attempt. You know me better than that."

Emily was incredulous. "I don't think you understand how amnesia works, Jennifer."

"I understand how _you_ work, Emily, and I know you've figured out more about me than my name in the past two days, so try again," JJ replied. Realising how harsh her voice was coming out, she tried easing her grip Emily's hand. "Tell me who I am, Em," she begged.

Emily scowled and tugged her hand away. "You work with me at the FBI," she muttered. "You know my favourite author and you brought me things you thought I'd like having with me while I'm in hospital. You barged in on me when you knew I didn't want to see anyone and despite my doctor explicitly telling you that I couldn't have visitors. You looked like you were going to _vomit_ when I told you I was gay, not because it bothered you but because thinking you'd done or said something to make me feel like I couldn't tell you made you feel ill." Emily's expression was softening despite her best efforts to stay strong. She met JJ's eyes with a look that was almost mournful. "I know you climbed into bed with me and held me to reassure yourself that I was still the same person—the same shape, the same skin as the woman you knew—but I'm _not_ the same person, JJ. And right now that is breaking my heart because I really like you and I think you might have been in love with the person I used to be."

"Em, how do you know if you don't remember?" JJ asked tearfully. "From where I'm sitting, you haven't changed at all. You've never talked a lot about your insecurities. Sometimes I wish you'd talk about them more—I worry about all the feelings you bottle up. But I _have_ seen this side of you before." She knitted her hands together and tried to beat down the anxiety this confession was bringing out in her. "…There was one night we were away on a case, Emily, and the inn we stayed at had a lounge room downstairs with a big fireplace. You and I sat there all night, alone, and you admitted things I never heard you talk about before or after. We kept the fire going until the small hours of the morning and drank copious amounts of complimentary sachet coffee… When we finally got up to leave, you took my hand and pulled me close and kissed my cheek and I would've smelled like chai lattes, just like you remembered. You brushed the pad of your thumb across the back of my hand and I thought you were going to kiss me. I held my breath and waited but you pulled away. I regretted not stopping you…"

"Why didn't you?" Emily asked, but JJ shook her head.

"It was early morning, we were sitting by the fire, feeling toasty with our warm pink cheeks and hot drinks. I could hear the flames crackling and I was staring at you like a lovesick puppy, I swear. It didn't strike me that you could've missed the signs that I wanted you," JJ let out a soft, self-deprecating laugh. "I thought that if you didn't kiss me then, you must really not have any desire to at all. …And besides, you never told me you were a lesbian."

"Are you?" Emily asked.

"What? Am I gay?"

Emily inclined her head slightly. A '_yes'._

JJ seemed to consider this. Although if she was honest, she'd thought about it more than once before—that night by the fireplace being just one example. "So far it's only you," JJ admitted. "I mean, as far as girls go… I don't know what I am. But, Emily, I'm in love with you."

"Morgan told me I shouldn't say anything about being attracted to you," Emily told her. "And I agreed. It's too messed up. You're _in love_ with me. You've known for a while now. I've only got two full days of memories under my belt. JJ, I feel something, but it's too soon. I can't— I can't say I feel as strongly as you do."

"I never expected you to," JJ breathed and she almost sounded relieved. "Em, believe it or not, this is good news to me. If what you're saying is that I have a chance, someday... I didn't even think I had that."

Emily leaned forward and captured JJ's lips softly, experimentally, and she was overwhelmed by the flood of emotions that simple touch sent crashing through her. The slightest sigh from JJ's lips made Emily's heart skip in her chest, and she pulled her in closer, feeling truly amazed and blessed. This woman wanted her. This _incredible_ woman wanted her. But a thought struck Emily and she had to pull away. She did it slowly, letting the touch of their lips linger for as long as possible, not knowing when or if she'd get the chance to kiss JJ again.

"We've never done that before, have we?" she asked hopefully, and JJ shook her head, blushing. "…Good," Emily breathed out. "I'm glad I didn't forget it. And I'm glad it was you and me, not you and the me before."

"You and me," JJ repeated. "Whether you get your memory back or not. It's you and me." She closed her eyes and brushed her cheek against Emily's neck. Out of nowhere, she felt exhausted. "I want to date you," she whispered. "We can learn more about who you are now together. I know you don't really believe it yet, but I do love you. As you are, no matter what."

"I know I want to kiss you again—is that enough?"

JJ smiled and stroked a hand across Emily's cheek softly. "Yes, Em. For now, that's enough."


	5. Chapter 4: Hotch

**Chapter 4: Hotch**

Aaron Hotchner was not a man who showed a lot of emotion. Emily had been warned about that. It was now the fourth day since her injury and Hotch arrived early in the morning to see her. She'd been told he was a workaholic but when JJ called and told him Emily wanted to see him, he'd taken the morning off work. She supposed that was saying something about their relationship, even though the man's face was solemn and unreadable.

"Emily Prentiss," she introduced herself, holding out a hand.

"Aaron Hotchner," he replied, and if he found it strange to be introducing himself again after so many years working together, he hid it well. "You can call me Hotch."

"JJ said," Emily confirmed, although Aaron didn't seem the sort of man to have an affectionate nickname. She supposed there must be another side to him somewhere. "I'm not going to be able to come back to work unless I remember, am I?" she asked, knowing he was her boss and trying to be practical about her working situation. Her chances of remembering her previous life were high to begin with but she knew they were decreasing by the day.

"It'll be months before you're physically able to work in the field again," Hotch replied. "So let me worry about your job until then. You were injured in the line of duty. You'll be receiving your full pay until this is sorted out."

"Do I need to be worried about that?" Emily asked, suddenly concerned. "If I don't get my memory back and I can't do this job, am I going to be all right for money?" She wasn't sure why she assumed he'd be in the know about her financial standing but Hotch nodded reassuringly.

"You'll be fine," he promised. "Family money. You have nothing to worry about."

Family money, but no family—other than a mother Emily had yet to hear from. Suddenly she felt profoundly empty. Why had JJ left them alone to talk? She got the impression that Hotch had signalled for her to go.

"Yeah, nothing to worry about," Emily repeated, forcing a note of sardonic humour into her tone.

Hotch smiled at that. It wasn't a big, teeth-baring smile, like the ones Morgan gave her, or a soft and sweet smile like JJ's. Still, it was surprising and it made Emily feel a little better.

"In _practical_ terms: money, your apartment, work—you have nothing to worry about," Hotch amended. "JJ is keeping your cat well fed."

"I bet when I get home Sergio will be so fat I won't recognise him," Emily replied smartly.

Hotch looked uncertain, as if unsure whether or not to laugh.

"That was a joke," Emily confirmed, offering up a small smile herself. "Although admittedly, you don't seem to be the joking sort..." She watched as Hotch glanced down at his hands and had the unsettlingly distinct impression that something had happened in his life that had impaired his ability to joke, and that he was thinking about it at that second. Emily also sensed, with equal certainty, that he wouldn't tell her what it was if she asked. "JJ's been a big help," she blurted out, determined to fill the silence. She watched his reaction carefully, wanting to know if he had suspected anything between them.

Hotch's face revealed nothing—Emily was beginning to realise that it rarely ever did. Still, his response spoke volumes. "How is she taking everything?" he asked.

Emily laughed fondly. "Better than me," she admitted.

"You're doing fine."

Emily searched Hotch's eyes and nodded acceptingly. He wasn't going to tell her that everything would all be all right, she realised. He was a realist, like her.

"This team is made up of some very different people," he said next. "I wonder how you'll like them when you aren't being forced to get along by working together."

"It's not exactly an unbiased experiment," Emily replied, although she'd wondered this too. "They all have their different ideas about who they think I am. Talking to them reminds me of that story about the six blind men and the elephant... One feels the trunk and deduces that an elephant is like a snake, while another feels the tusk and deduces that an elephant is like a spear, and so on. Each of them are correct in part, but make the mistake of assuming that what they feel is all there is. In this case, I'm the elephant. The rest of the team are the blind men."

Hotch considered this and the more Emily watched him, the more she thought she was beginning to understand the subtle flickers of his emotions. Right now, he was somewhere between impressed and amused.

"If that's true," he replied, "Once you meet the final member of our team, you should have the full picture."

"If only," Emily replied with a frown. "…What do any of the blind men know about how it feels to be an elephant?"

* * *

Hotch left Emily when a nurse arrived with her lunch but he sought out JJ before returning to the BAU. She was in the cafeteria, where she had been spending most of her time away from Emily, sipping a chai latte and staring into the middle distance. Hotch kept an eye on her as he bought himself a flat white, before surprising her by sitting down without warning.

"Hey, Hotch," she greeted him, a little jumpily. "How'd you find Emily?"

"Making jokes to compensate for my personality," Hotch answered. His voice lilted upwards good-humouredly, which was a good sign, JJ thought. "She's as attune to people as ever. I don't think she'll have a problem re-qualifying as a profiler if it comes to that. She's done all the necessary training. I'm sure we can arrange for her to sit the exam again without having to repeat it."

"Assuming she still _wants_ to be a profiler," JJ replied. "She may not, Hotch."

Her fear was clear: _What if we lose her?_ Without work and without her memories, would Emily slip away from the team? Wouldn't it be easier for her to make new memories somewhere else than to stick around, stuck in the unreachable past, holding on to hope?

"…How are you doing, JJ?" Hotch asked.

JJ's lip curled in annoyance. "It doesn't matter how I'm doing. Not while Emily's like this."

"Emily may always be like this," Hotch reminded her, unfazed by the cold response. "And I have enough anxiety in me to worry about both of you concurrently. So, indulge me. How are you?"

A smile broke JJ's lips against her will. "I'm fine," she insisted.

Hotch only shook his head. "Do you want to know how I know you can't possibly be fine?" he asked.

"How?" JJ sighed. She frowned into her coffee and Hotch knew that she already understood. She was just going to make him say it.

"Because," Hotch replied reluctantly, "You've been in love with her for years and three days ago she woke up with no idea who you are."

"No shit, Sherlock," JJ groaned. You hardly had to be a profiler to figure that one out. Still, although her eyes darkened with tears, JJ refused to let them fall. She lifted her head up high and held Hotch's gaze. "You know, I think she was in love with me too?"

Hotch nodded unquestioningly.

"There was one night, I almost… But I was so sure she didn't feel that away about me," JJ sighed. "I'm not sure if it would hurt more or less now if I'd ever said something. At least I wouldn't be asking '_What if_…?'"

"It would have hurt either way."

JJ nodded and closed her eyes briefly, bringing her coffee up to her lips. "Sure," she replied. For a few minutes they were silent.

Finally Hotch asked, "What are you going to do?"

"Everyone keeps asking me that," JJ replied darkly. "Well, I'm doing the only thing I _can_ do, Hotch. I'm staying with her, kissing her, letting us both pretend that it's me she loves and not just the security of _being_ loved. And I'm hoping against hope that she will love me, _really _love me—

someday."

She could tell from his expression that Hotch thought it was a bad idea, yet when he followed her upstairs to say goodbye to Emily and saw them kiss _hello_, there was no doubting how much both of them needed it.


	6. Chapter 5: Reid

**Chapter 5: Reid**

_"Spence, are you still coming?"_

"I'm coming," Reid insisted. Pacing the hospital gardens, he tried to build himself up to it. "I'm, um— I'm about fifteen minutes away, okay?"

There was a pause on the other end of the line as JJ considered this. She seemed to know that something was up. _"Whenever you get here,"_ she agreed grudgingly. _"But you were supposed to be here an hour ago."_

Reid swallowed hard and hung up. What was wrong with him? It wasn't that he didn't want to see Emily. That was entirely it—he _did_ want to see her and he was terrified that the woman waiting upstairs would be a stranger, that he'd already spoken to the Emily he knew and loved for the last time.

When his mother's schizophrenia had been bad, there had been several soul-crushing occasions when Reid had looked into her eyes and known she had no idea who he was. Sometimes she insisted that she did but when he asked her his own name, she'd glance around distractedly. _That's not fair_, she'd say. _That's not fair…_

The fact that it wasn't her fault she didn't remember never made it easier for either of them.

Reid passed another twenty minutes in pacing the gardens before he finally worked up the courage to enter the hospital. Then it was a full half an hour before he reached Emily's door.

JJ didn't call again but he knew she wouldn't be happy. That didn't make him any more eager to arrive either, but he couldn't put it off much longer. Emily had already been in hospital for a week by this stage.

She was laughing as he entered, which was a relief. Sitting up on top of her blankets with her legs crossed, Emily had one hand on the back of JJ's head and was leaning on the other as the blonde woman cheekily kissed a line down her collarbone.

For a moment, Reid stood at the door with his hands firmly by his sides, staring like a gawky teenager. Then Emily took him by surprise, turning her smile determinedly on him.

"Of course, you're Doctor Reid," she declared, looking him over. "Spence, right?"

Reid nodded awkwardly, unsure whether or not to tell Emily that only JJ called him that.

"Reid," JJ corrected her, saving him the trouble. "You call him Reid."

"_Reid_," Emily repeated, maintaining her upbeat tone. "Come sit down. You're the last member of the team on my checklist."

"Looks like you've already picked your favourite," Reid answered. He was joking, albeit uncertainly, and Emily laughed. She was overcompensating, he realised. Just like she had when she first joined the team. Trying to be someone the others would like and open up to without having to open up herself.

"Touché," she replied. "But given that my tastes run toward blonde girls, JJ and Garcia were the only two in with a chance. I saw no point in delaying my judgment. I hope you're not offended."

JJ flashed Reid an apologetic smile as he tried and failed to hide his surprise. She knew he'd always had a soft spot for her and suddenly wished she'd warned him about what was going on between her and Emily.

"I guess I'll have to settle for friendship then," Reid replied acceptingly, and JJ knew that his words were directed toward both of them. "…Emily, I've looked at your brain scans. I'm not a neurologist, but they're pretty fascinating!"

"That's the first compliment my brain's got lately!" Emily replied. "Most of the time, people use words like _swollen_ and, occasionally, _fucked up._"

"Her wit's in tact," JJ remarked.

"How long do you have to stay here?" Reid asked curiously and Emily made a face, which he took to mean she hadn't forgotten her dislike like of hospitals.

"At _least_ a month," Emily answered. "But JJ convinced my doctor to let her take me on a field trip tomorrow. Anywhere beyond these four walls sounds amazing. Real food, smells besides bleach and sick people, flowers that don't come wrapped in cellophane—!"

"Oh, I, um, meant to bring flowers," Reid began, "But I didn't get around to it. I did bring something else though…" Swallowing his nerves, he reached behind Emily's ear and pulled out a chess piece, giving it to her before retrieving the rest of the set from his satchel. It was a magnetic set—perfect for balancing on a hospital bed.

"What the hell?!" Emily laughed, twirling the chess piece between her fingers in amazement. She shot JJ a look. "You didn't tell me he was a magician! Maybe I'd rather date him after all!"

Reid looked delighted. "I thought we could play together sometime… If you want to."

"I want to," Emily promised. "Jayj, can you leave us alone for a bit?"

JJ was past being offended by this request. She knew that Emily liked to question their friends without her. She assumed it was so they could talk more freely and it didn't bother her anymore. "My caffeine levels are running low anyway," she agreed, kissing Emily's cheek lightly before standing up. She wasn't sure Reid was ready to see them lock lips, although that was definitely something she was enjoying about their newfound relationship. "See you later, Spence."

Reid sat down as JJ left, placing his satchel somewhat awkwardly between his knees. "Did you want to play chess?" he asked, looking hopeful.

Emily nodded, hoping it would make him more comfortable while they talked, but they were silent as they set up the game.

"Tell me something about myself," she suggested once they were ready. "Something nobody but you knows."

Reid made the first move before considering his response. "I thought you were figuring things out on your own?" he asked, knowing that's why it had taken a while for her to start accepting visitors.

"That was before," Emily replied, moving her piece easily. "Now I want to know everything."

"Can I ask why?" Reid replied.

Emily stared hard at the chessboard for a few moments before realising that the answer was simpler than she thought.

"Because JJ fell in love with who I was before," she answered honestly. "And I want to be that person for her."

"She doesn't buy it," Reid pointed out. "The way you were kidding around with me? She knows it's a front, I can tell."

Emily shrugged and they were silent for a few turns. "Fake it 'til you make it," she eventually replied. "I know JJ's doing the same. I want to make it easier for her to pretend."

Reid took a piece and set it aside contemplatively. "That's very you," he replied. "Always making sacrifices for others."

"How is it a sacrifice?" Emily bluffed, but she knew Reid understood. Somehow, he did.

"My mother is schizophrenic," he told her. "Sometimes, when she was, bad she forgot who I was. It hurt her as much as it hurt me… But my mom didn't have a choice. She was always coming and going, up and down. I saw your scans; your condition is stable. You could get out of here and start a new life somewhere else. You wouldn't have to see us every day and remember everything that's missing. JJ would let you go if you told her that's what you wanted."

"I don't want to," Emily answered. Her voice was low and certain and Reid respected that.

"I'm guessing you know what we do for the FBI by now?" he asked, changing the subject.

Emily nodded. "We hunt serial killers," she replied. It still felt like a bad dream. How could that be her life? It sounded awful.

"We do other stuff too," Reid told her, swiping one of her bishops. "Once we responded to a call about the leader of a religious cult who was having sex with the young girls... We went to interview one of them and got caught up in a hostage situation. I'm not proud of this, but you should be—the leader of the cult got wind that one of us was an undercover agent. You told him it was you and got yourself beaten to a pulp so I wouldn't have to."

Emily processed this silently. It was a while before she made her next move. When she did, she answered, "You're just a kid. Who wouldn't have done the same?"

"I'm not just a kid, I'm an FBI agent," Reid insisted. "And I've been on this team longer than you. You came in from a _desk job_—" He cut himself off there and shook his head disbelievingly. "I'm an idiot. I always forget…"

"What?"

Reid gave a sad laugh. "Before the desk job," he explained, "You worked for the CIA. Deep cover. It almost got you killed, years later. I thought you _had been_ killed…"

"I went away," Emily realised. "JJ said something about that. I had to fake my death or something?"

"JJ and Hotch knew about it," Reid agreed, "But for the rest of us… If you'd died the other day, Emily, it would've been the second time we attended your funeral."

Emily's face was steely and Reid wondered what he'd said wrong for a minute until it became apparent that she was angry with herself. "How the hell could I do that to you guys?" she ground out. "People keep telling me how close we all are, how much we're supposed to be like a family. How the hell could I do that to you?"

Reid toyed with a pawn guiltily. "It was for our protection too," he confessed. "You didn't enjoy it any more than we did. It took me a while to figure that out. You didn't want us to be targets because of your past."

"My past!" Emily nearly shouted in frustration. "My stupid damn past. And I can't even remember it!"

"Your game is slipping, I have checkmate in three," Reid stated, trying to distract her. He was pretty sure JJ would kill him if she came back and he'd worked her girlfriend up into a fit. "Listen, Emily. The things that happened in the past, the exact events, aren't important. I can tell you every single thing I know but, the fact is, the reason that JJ loves you isn't about the things you did as much as it's about who you _are_. You're someone who pushed her towards a man you thought would make her happy, even though you were falling for her yourself. You're someone who once risked your life to save his, so she wouldn't have to lose him. Then, when she was pregnant, you were there for her again, before and after Henry was born. And you love Henry to death, even though he's the son she had with someone else. I should've seen it. In retrospect, it's obvious. You ran away to London and the only thing that could bring you back was knowing that JJ was in danger. You flew to Afghanistan to save her. And all of those things are amazing but only because they're the proof of something you already know: You love JJ so much it terrifies you, and you would never do anything to hurt her… Checkmate."

Emily stared down at the chessboard disbelievingly and Reid felt a stab of guilt as he realised she was holding back tears. He was shocked when Emily carefully set the board aside, leaned forward, and wrapped her arms around him.

"Thank you," she sighed deeply. "I needed that… Can we play again?"


	7. Chapter 6: Henry

**Chapter 6: Henry**

"Mom!" Henry threw both hands into the air as his mother walked through the door, launching a spoonful of CocoPops in the process.

"Watch it, Henry!" Will called, hearing the commotion and poking his head in from the next room. "Hi, JJ, darlin'. Gimme a sec?"

"No problem," JJ replied, smiling. She dropped into the seat next to her son and wiped a spot of milk from the table with the cuff of her sleeve. "How's it going, Henry?"

The eight-year-old smiled brightly. "Good! Mommy, if you're back, does that mean Emily's better?"

"Yeah, she's doing a lot better. But she's going to have to stay in hospital a bit longer," JJ answered. "There's also something I have to talk to you and your dad about before I take you to see her though."

"What?" Henry asked through a mouthful of CocoPops.

"Wait for your dad," JJ replied, while glancing down at his full mouth pointedly.

Henry made an effort to chew more politely.

"How's Emily?" Will asked. He was smiling as he re-entered the room and he placed a hand on his son's back before sitting down beside them.

"Better," JJ repeated. "But it's been almost a month now and it doesn't look like her memory is coming back."

"Her memory?" Henry repeated, frowning. A thin trickle of chocolatey milk escaped his lips and he wiped his mouth on his sleeve distractedly.

"You've heard about amnesia, right, Henry?" Will asked. JJ had called him weeks ago to explain Emily's condition and why he was going to need to take care of Henry for a while. At first he'd been confused and concerned that JJ wasn't working, that she was spending so much time at the hospital, but he'd understood—and almost been relieved—when she told him that she had feelings for her colleague.

Will couldn't even say he'd never suspected Emily's attraction to his wife but he'd always appreciated her respect for their relationship. Emily had never given JJ a reason to be unfaithful to him while they were married. He was sure it was part of the reason she'd let JJ believe she was straight. Now that he and JJ were divorced, it was strange but he actually felt grateful that JJ had fallen for someone else. It made things final—they could be friends again.

Henry, meanwhile, was aghast. Amnesia was something that happened in books and movies, not in real life! Not to Aunty Emily!

"She doesn't remember anything?" he cried. "Not even me?"

"Not _even_ you, sweetie," JJ confirmed. She tried to keep her voice calm and positive for him. "But I told her all about you and she wants you to come visit."

Henry looked uncertain so JJ wrapped a reassuring arm around his shoulders. "She mightn't have all the same memories she used to Henry, but she's still the same person. I'm getting more and more sure of that. We'll just have to make more memories, okay? She won't forget this time."

Henry nodded slowly, then he looked up and met his mother's eye. "Did she forget you too, mommy?" he asked.

Will saw the pain that flickered in JJ's eyes at that but she managed to hide it quickly, flashing Henry a smile.

"Yep," she answered perkily. "But it's okay because I just made her like me all over again! You will too, Henry. I promise."

* * *

By the time they reached the hospital, it seemed like Henry had forgotten all about Emily's amnesia. Or maybe he was busy remembering the day his dad had picked him up from school when he'd expected his mom and JJ had been put on the phone to tearfully explain that Emily had been hurt and mommy had to stay at the hospital because it was possible she wasn't going to make it. Maybe he was rightly counting himself lucky that he still had an Aunty Emily.

Henry's face lit up as soon as JJ opened the door for him. It had been almost a month since the accident and, despite the amnesia, Emily was physically almost as good as new—at least to the naked eye. She was sitting on the edge of her bed with her purse in her lap and her eyes lit up when she saw Henry.

"Aunty Em!" he screamed and she barely had time to stand before he was barrelling into her. She hugged him back every bit as hard as he hugged her. "I'm so glad you're okay!" Henry pulled back only for a second to introduce himself, before burying his face in Emily's stomach once again.

"Nice to see you, kiddo," she replied, ruffling his hair affectionately. "Now stop and let me look at you!"

Henry jumped back obediently and stood with his back straight and his head held high like a soldier, waiting to be inspected. Emily knelt down for this purpose, placing her hands on Henry's shoulders to hold him in place unnecessarily. Then she stared so deeply into his eyes that he couldn't help but laugh and Emily joined in, while JJ watched and smiled nervously.

"You look so much like your mom, Henry," she told him. Her voice was thick with emotion and she cupped one of his cheeks in her palm gently. "Look at you…"

"It's okay if you don't remember me," Henry declared. "I know it's not 'cause you don't love me. Mommy explained all about your stupid head."

JJ blushed as Emily laughed again—an honest, bright, and happy sound.

Henry grabbed her hand so he could kiss it. His daddy had taught him that that was what gentlemen did when they met a lady. "I'm only eight, so I'm going to be alive for a really long time, Aunty Em. You've got basically _forever_ to learn about me again."

An image flashed through Emily's mind then: a little boy who looked a lot like Henry, only a few years younger, holding up a dinosaur toy. _"His name's Jonathon,"_ the boy declared. _"Jonathon's a herbivore. That means he only eats plants. And not little boys or even animals. Mom says. He won't eat you either, Aunty Em. Promise."_

Emily swallowed hard. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened over the past few weeks but something was keeping her from saying anything. What if she told everyone she was getting her memory back and then it stopped? She told herself that if all she could remember was that Henry had once had a dinosaur called Jonathon, or that Reid did a magic trick with a film canister that had once hit both her and Hotch in the head on the same day, then it wasn't worth telling them. Why get their hopes up? Still, she had to ask:

"So, Henry… What do you like? Are you a fan of dinosaurs?"

It was a harmless enough question—most boys his age were.

Henry nodded enthusiastically. "I have a tyrannosaur called Hubert!"

"A tyrannosaur?" Emily repeated, trying to hide her disappointment. "Aren't you afraid he'll eat you?"

Henry shook his head. "I used to only collect herbivores 'cause I was afraid of the other ones," he admitted. "But then you gave me Hubert and you said that just because you _can_ do bad things to people, it doesn't mean you have to. You said that doing bad things is always a decision, no matter how big and strong you are. And if my dinosaurs make a bad decision to hurt people, then you and mommy will come and get them, just like you do when people hurt people."

"I said that?" Emily asked, biting her lip uncertainly.

"Yep!" Henry answered. "Now Hubert is my favourite dinosaur out of all of them because he's big and strong enough to eat all the other dinosaurs but he doesn't want to. My old favourite dinosaur was called Jonathon. He was a herbivore because he only liked to eat plants in the first place. Hubert is a _vegetarian_." Henry grinned, suddenly looking shy. "…He's also my favourite 'cause you gave him to me, Aunty Em."

Emily glanced up at JJ, as if to ask, '_How is your son so perfect?_' and JJ smiled back understandingly. She was constantly asking herself the same question.

"Well, I'm cleared to go out today, Henry," Emily announced, "So I think it's time we got out of here and had some fun!"

* * *

By five o'clock, Henry had seen every exhibit at the zoo—some of them twice—but he still didn't want to leave.

"Emily's not used to so much walking," JJ reminded him gently as he clung to the railing by the lion exhibit. "You don't want to tire her out, do you, Henry?"

"Jayj, I'm fine," Emily insisted. "I don't want to go back yet either."

"I told Doctor Carter I wouldn't have you back too late," JJ sighed, holding back a smile, and Emily pouted cutely.

"I want to see the penguins again," she pleaded, placing a hand on Henry's shoulder.

"_Yeah_, the penguins!" Henry exclaimed, sensing that Emily was getting further by begging than he was by refusing to let go of the railing. "Please, mom?! It's not like we're at the zoo every day!"

"We've seen the penguins twice!" JJ cried playfully but then she raised her hands in defeat and Henry went racing on ahead. JJ didn't miss the slight hesitation in Emily's smile as he zipped past. "I can get you a wheelchair if you're having trouble, Em," she offered quietly. "I checked. You can borrow them from—"

"Shut up," Emily interrupted, taking JJ's hand and squeezing lightly. "This is my day off being sick. There will be no wheelchairs. Not one."

"Henry, slow down!" JJ called anyway. "Stay where I can see you! ...Emily, it's okay not to want to spend all day on your feet when you've been in hospital for over a month."

"I know it's okay. I _want_ to walk," Emily persisted. She gave JJ a sideways smile and leaned their shoulders together. "I love walking with you, holding your hand. I feel almost _normal_."

"Too bad, you're _special_," JJ laughed. She didn't press the wheelchair issue though.

When they reached the penguin enclosure, Emily and JJ sat down, while Henry paced its length excitedly. For half an hour, he skipped and laughed and chatted to a zoo employee holding a fish, while Emily watched in awe.

She'd said she wanted to see the penguins again because it was the one thing she remembered from a prior trip to the zoo with JJ and her son.

_"You know, penguins mate for life?"_ JJ had said. She'd sounded sad, Emily now realised, because she was unhappy with her husband but too afraid to end things with him and break up their family. _"…'Til death do them part?"_

_"Not all penguins,"_ Emily had felt the need to correct her. _"Some penguins are only monogamous for the duration of the breeding season."_

_"Are you kidding me?"_ JJ deadpanned. _"That's not very romantic."_

_"Nope,"_ Emily answered simply. She wanted to addsomething along the lines of, _So - if you were a penguin, you could admit you're not happy with Will now you've got Henry and move on,_ but she didn't want to make JJ uncomfortable.

Emily was beginning to realise that Reid was right—it had taken a lot for her to support JJ's marriage, especially when it stopped supporting itself. Accepting that the love of your life was happily married was one thing. Encouraging the love of your life to accept being _unhappily_ married was something else entirely. Yet Emily had always done her best to give objectively good advice.

Emily couldn't remember how JJ's divorce had finally come about but she was desperately glad it had. Even if, when she and JJ stopped to drop Henry at his dad's on the way to the hospital, Will seemed to be a nice enough guy.

Henry hugged Emily tight at the door. "I had the best time today, Aunty Emily!" He chirped. "Can I come see you again soon?"

"How about _I _come and see you?" Emily suggested. "Since I'm going to be out of hospital soon!"

"Yes yes yes!" Henry squealed and then he ran indoors without another word.

"Will LaMontagne," JJ's ex introduced himself, laughing fondly at his son's antics. "I'd invite you in but JJ says you guys are in a hurry."

"Curfew..." Emily groaned, rolling her eyes.

"We've been out all day," JJ put in. "_I'm _dead on my feet. It's time we got back."

"We'll meet properly soon," Will promised.

He seemed to sincerely want to see her again, so Emily asked, "Were we close?"

Will shrugged at that. "What does that matter?" he asked. "We can be."


	8. Chapter 7: JJ

**Chapter 7: JJ**

Emily spent a total of one month and one week in the hospital. It had felt long but JJ was acutely aware of how much longer it could have been. It could've been an eternity in a wooden box beneath six feet of dirt. She had to count them both lucky.

Sometimes, when JJ awoke from a nightmare, she could smell it. The dirt they used to bury Emily always smelled like the choking, dry Afghan sand that had surrounded her when she'd been abducted. It was Emily who had saved her, Emily whose face she'd seen in the dreams that had got her through those terrible times. But in JJ's nightmares, Emily was already gone. There was nothing she could do.

Other times, she'd remember a time she and Emily had been alone together or something private they'd shared and she'd think, _I'm the only person on earth who knows that happened now._ She tried to keep these thoughts to a minimum but the truth was, whether she admitted it or not, JJ couldn't help but keep stock of everything that had been lost.

The first time Emily returned to her apartment after being released from hospital, she was nervous. She hung back, clutching a few bags of essential groceries in her arms, and it was JJ who turned the key in the lock and led the way inside.

The sun was setting by that time and the view was even more stunning than Emily remembered.

While JJ had been secretly collecting losses, Emily had been accumulating memories. She was at the point now where she remembered a good deal to do with her colleagues and her life in recent years. Mostly, though, they were episodic memories that she had trouble ordering. The timeline of her life remained gappy at best.

Still, when Emily walked into her apartment, she felt a spark of something familiar—a brief inkling of a habit or pattern. She placed her shopping bags on the counter and spent a few minutes carefully putting each item away, while JJ poured them both a drink. When she was finished, she placed the empty plastic bags in a drawer to be recycled and she was gratified to find that she had picked the correct drawer for this purpose on her first attempt.

JJ watched with her bottom lip compressed between her teeth. "You remembered that," she accused Emily quietly. "Like you remembered what type of coffee I drink, right at the beginning."

Emily took the glass of wine JJ was offering and crossed the room to take in her stunning view of the Washington Monument. She was trying to hide how nervous JJ's observation had made her. She'd always known there'd come a time when she had to stop hiding behind her memory loss…

"It's coming back," she admitted. "In bits and pieces…"

"All this time and you didn't tell me?" JJ's voice was close enough that Emily didn't dare turn around. She sounded hurt.

Emily forced herself to shrug. "It doesn't matter. I don't want to talk about it."

"You didn't think I deserved to know?" JJ pressed, raising her voice a little.

Emily felt stubbornly glad. She was not going to be molly-coddled for the rest of her life. Sooner of later someone was going to have to have the courage to yell at her again, to feel upset or hurt or betrayed by something she'd done and blame it on _her_, not the amnesia. Emily hadn't only remembered the good things about herself. When people treated her like an angel, she felt angry and cheated.

"I remember Morgan leaning over me, begging me not to die," she shot back at JJ. "I remember getting on a plane to Paris and knowing that he'd be going mad with guilt back home. And sitting in a café on the Champs-Élysées, thinking, _They're all at my funeral right about now. _It's not all fun nights out and private jokes, you know? Some of it I'd actually rather _not_ remember._"_

JJ felt like she was the one left behind and she struggled to catch up. "Fine," she acquiesced grudgingly. "But do you remember that the reason you almost died in the first place was because of the stupid risks you took to keep the rest of us safe? Or maybe that, when I met you in Paris, you were so overcome with guilt that I took you back to my hotel and held you while you cried all night? You kept a brave face on for everyone else, Em, but when we were alone you _broke down_. That's how we _were_. I was the one you let in even when you turned everyone else away."

"_Were_," Emily repeated and JJ shook her head, confused. "You said _were, _JJ. You think I'm a different person now, don't you? Well, if _you_ think so it must be true, right? …_Fuck!_ You have no idea how it feels to hear a load of strangers shooting their mouths off like they know you better than you know yourself! And having to act _grateful_ to them! I'm so sick of this!"

"For God's sake, Em," JJ blustered, "That's not just amnesia, that's life! Everyone always thinks they know what's best for everyone else. Like, say, _you_? Every _damn_ time you pushed us away when all we wanted to do was help!"

_I don't need your help!_

Emily wanted to say it—hell, she wanted to screamit from the top of her lungs—but she couldn't. She turned to face JJ with angry tears streaming down her face but was too furious even to bother wiping them away. JJ met her gaze—so, so ready to react with coldness and stubbornness. Seeing Emily cry changed that for her.

"Emily," she sighed, placing a hand on the older woman's arm. "We've been here before."

"More than once," Emily admitted.

"I try to get close to you and you pull away…"

Emily nodded. Her throat was too tight for words to pass through. But she didn't protest as JJ lifted her arms around her neck and pulled her close. Instead, she rested her hands on JJ's waist and focused on slowing down her breathing. As she inhaled she could smell the sweet scent of JJ's shampoo and she buried her face deep in the younger woman's neck. Silky blonde hair brushed her cheek softly.

"Why?" JJ whispered. "Will told me he suspected you loved me for a long time. I wanted you too, so why did you push me towards him, encourage me to marry him when I wasn't certain, defend him against all my qualms…? I thought you were making it clear beyond all reasonable doubt that you felt _nothing _for me. Do you even remember why, Em?"

"You know why," Emily sighed, hiding her face in JJ's neck.

"But do _you_ remember?" JJ insisted.

"Is this a test?"

"Can you not be a smart ass right now and just answer me?"

Emily pulled her head back and met JJ's eyes with a tentative smile. "I wanted you to be happy, JJ," she confessed. "And I knew… I _thought _I knew that I wouldn't ever be enough for you."

JJ nodded, satisfied, and threaded her hands through Emily's dark hair. The gesture was tender but her expression was serious. "Emily, you _need _to stop presuming that we'll all be better off without you," she declared quietly. "I know you remember, or you can at least see, how much we all love you. We want to be with you even if it's dangerous, even if it hurts, _even_ if it means learning things about you that'd you'd leave out of your autobiography." She placed a light kiss on Emily's lips then. "But that's not the most important thing," she added with an air of conclusion. "The most important thing, Emily, is that if you _ever_ take a bullet for me again and you don't die…? I am going to _finish you off myself._ Got it?"

Emily nodded obediently and then smiled as JJ leaned up to kiss her again. She didn't say so but she knew she'd take the bullet every damn time.

* * *

Kissing Emily in her apartment was different to kissing her at the hospital. There was no chance of a nurse barging in, no chance of Doctor Carter sweeping through with a cheerfully sarcastic comment, no chance of a member of the team arriving bearing flowers and requiring attention. They could just sit on the couch, listening to cheesy love songs on the radio and making out like teenagers without a curfew. And they did—slowly, lazily, like they had all the time in the world and no doubt of seeing one another again.

"I'm never going to know how much you remember, am I?" JJ asked later, as they climbed into bed.

"_I_ don't know how much I remember," Emily answered truthfully. "I mean, what proportion of my life's events... My memory is filling out but we've known each other for a long time. Obviously there's a lot I haven't specifically remembered. …I _can_ say that I finally feel like myself again, though."

JJ smiled at that. "No more _you _and _the you from before_?" she asked hopefully.

"Just me," Emily confirmed, tracing her fingertips down JJ's jaw.

"That's enough," JJ promised. "Emily… I love you."

"I wanted to tell you that," Emily confessed, shutting her eyes blissfully. "The first thing I remembered from before I was shot was a night in front of the fire, kissing your cheek, and smelling chai spice. I remember that whole evening now… We were talking about love, about you and Will. I'd been pushing you for a long time, wanting you to be happy again, the way I thought you were when you first married him. But that night I asked you—for the first time, I think, although I always wondered—if you really loved him. Remember?"

"Of course I do," JJ answered. She placed a hand over Emily's, which had settled on her cheek, and then pulled it down to her lips. She kissed Emily's fingers, one by one, and then held her hand against her chest. "That was the night I decided to leave Will."

"You told me, 'I love my son'," Emily remembered. "You made it sound like that was enough."

JJ smiled sadly. "It was," she answered. "Until you took my hand and kissed my cheek and for a second I was so, _so_ sure that you were going to pull me in and kiss me properly. I was madly caught up in your eyes—dark but shining, reflecting the firelight. Your lips were parted but when I leaned towards you, you pulled away." She stroked her thumb across the back of Emily's hand lightly. "I decided that I was wrong about you wanting me too and yet the way I felt in that moment, when we were so close I thought it was possible… It made me realise that I was never going to feel anything _nearly_ as strong with Will and that the longer I left it to admit that, the more separating from him was going to hurt him and Henry."

"I wanted to tell you a million times," Emily swore, her voice tight with tears. "But I wanted to believe you were happy even more. And if you weren't happy, then I didn't want to give you a reason to run away from me if I could help by being there for you."

"You can help by being here with me _now_," JJ replied. "Now and… Well—

For as long as that's what you want, Em."

Emily leaned in and brushed her nose against JJ's gently. She closed her eyes and remembered all the passion and desire she'd felt for the woman beside her that night by the fire. Then, without a second thought, Emily kissed her.

"If it's up to me, then forever," she whispered. "JJ, I love you too."

**The End**


End file.
